Lisette Lahana MSW,LCSW (CA, #23663), LICSW (MA, #1032212)
Consultation, Psychotherapy and Training

General Tips for Trans Parents
and their Therapists about Coming Out to Children
From Workshop for Queer Families=Healthy Families Conference
Lisette Lahana, LCSW/Rachel Hollowgrass, San Francisco Oct '08

Thanks to Diane Ellaborn, LICSW for her contributions to the field of psychotherapy with trans people and their families as well as some of these specific tips from the handout: “Coming out” to Children: Some Guidelines for Transgender Parents, 1996

• Focus on child’s issues, needs, desire for consistency and concerns
• Reassure them that parents’ love for them and overall relationship will not change.
• Explain transgender issues using basic language (based on their developmental stage) to avoid overwhelming the child.
• Re-expose the child in small doses to the information to avoid them entering into a state of denial.
• Attempt to make sure spouse or ex spouse knows before the children.
• Reaction of the other (non trans) parent is critical to how the child will react to the transition. It doesn’t guarantee the child will accept the gender if the spouse does but it aids acceptance.
• If parents have differences or disagreements, have them work them out separately from children.
• Refer to a therapist to help parents understand child’s level of development, maturity and how this may impact them developmentally.
  Therapists can also help children cope with transition and possible feelings of loss and confusion.
• Have trans parent continue to do the same activities they have always done with child, even if they are gender linked activities such as fishing, hunting, sports, baking, or sewing.
• Do not pathologize being trans, explain that being transgendered is rare but part of the normal human experience.
• Encourage child to ask questions
• Allow child to express their feelings and normalize them. Eg. “Sometimes kids feel angry, sad or confused when this happens. Its normal to feel all those feelings or to feel nothing at all right now.”
• Let them know any changes to their living arrangements
  Address how this will impact the child day to day?
  Example: “When I drop you off to school it would be good for you to use the new name we talked about.” Or
  “You’ll see me wearing clothes a lot like mommies wear.”
  
  Discuss the boundaries for the family related to the information about parent's trans identity
  
  -Some families keep parent’s gender identity information private and others agree to to share the information with select people.
  -Others decide to be completely out and let the child discuss the fact that they have a trans parent with whomever they want.
  
  The child should know: 1)Who else knows in the family
  2)Is it Ok to talk about in school or with friends? 3)Do his/her friends have to know?
  
  
  What's in a Name?
  
• Trans parents whose children knew them as “Mommy” or “Daddy” usually have their child call them by a different name once they transition.
• Giving up their parent’s old name can be very painful and symbolic of the entire change taking place.
• The child can help choose this name so that they may feel more invested in it.
• The trans parent may choose to have their child have a special name that only they call their parent.
  For instance if a mtf’s chosen name is “Michelle” the child may be given the options of calling her “Mich” “Michy” “Mimi” “Mom” “Mommy or “Mama”
  
  Plan to Transition In a High Conflict Divorce?
  -Trans parents may decide to wait until custody arrangements are already made and “set in stone” before they come out as trans.
  -Non trans parents who are openly hostile about trans parent’s gender, or who have divorced because of it, may attempt to use the trans identity against their ex in court and/or when arranging custody/visitation.
  -It is important that the child see parent’s physically transforming over time.
  Make sure the child has regular visits to ease them into changes rather than having them see a final change a year later.

This Trans Info handout can be given to teachers, parents or friends in the community to educate them on the basics about making a gender transition. (from Rachel Hollowgrass, adapted from Concern EAP)
A Few Online resources for Trans Parents (as of 10/08)

To Download and read a letter from an anonymous parents to a pre-school and elementary school

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Website: www.lisettelahana.com